


There's Something Wretched About This (So Precious About This)

by Griffindork



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: Angst, F/F, tears lots of tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 13:13:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13458981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griffindork/pseuds/Griffindork
Summary: Kate’s gone.She’s gone.So maybe Rana should stop looking for her.





	There's Something Wretched About This (So Precious About This)

**Author's Note:**

> I thiiiink this might be really long and rambly? but also im ill and wanted to post it before any more spoilers drop lmao

_It’s over. Us. Okay?_

Sophie doesn’t linger. She sighs heavily, already turning away from Kate’s taxi, to ask Rana if she’s okay and then disappears back into the pub at Rana’s shallow nod.

Rana doesn’t move. Her eyes stay fixed to the corner where Kate’s taxi disappeared. A part of her wants desperately to run. After Kate she thinks, so they can run away together and maybe never look back. But mostly she just wants to run and never stop.

She wants to just do it, tells herself to do it.

Her feet don’t move and it’s like her shoes are concrete. 

It’s too late.

A nod and a deep breath, and then another because she’d been holding her breath and not noticed, and then she’s swallowing tears thickly.

She goes back into the pub. Zeedan smiles with no warmth, sat beside Alya.

_Look after Alya, yeah?_

She takes the other side of her sister-in-law and lets her squeeze her hand tight. So tight.

—

Alya moves about the house with no emotion. Her eyes are blank and her actions don’t contain the passion or the youth they used to. And all Rana can think is that Alya looks tired.

She sits next to her on the couch looking at the telly but not watching and Rana doesn’t know what to do.

_Look after Alya, yeah?_

Alya’s arms are wrapped around her knees and her chin rests on her knees. Her eyes look blank.

_Look after Alya, yeah?_

She doesn’t know how to.

—

It’s been a week now, and Yasmeen calls a family meal.

Imran is invited and Rana finds herself avoiding her brother. He smiles and jokes and Yasmeen and Zeedan’s shoulders drop when he walks through the door. Someone to lighten the mood.

Rana loves him for that, that his cheeky smile can rise a smile to their faces. He greets Alya with a kiss on her forehead and manages to get a shadow of a smile to tug at her lips. But Rana can’t find comfort in his presence.

Yasmeen calls them to the table and Rana trudges her way across, sitting silently and mustering a smile when Zeedan places her plate in front of her.

‘This is lovely.’ Imran says politely but all Rana can think of is how tasteless everything feels.

Zeedan smiles confidently and the next swallow for Rana feels think. She almost chokes.

But that’s not new. She’s felt the guilt sitting in the back of her throat for a week now. Longer, really, but less violent before. It used to feel like a weight on her shoulders, now it feels like hands grasped around her throat.

Imran catches her eye across the silence and he raises an eyebrow, asking her if she’s okay. A jerky nod is all he gets as she avoids eye contact, looks at his hairline rather than his concerned eyes.

Alya excuses herself after the meal, a muttered need for fresh air and then she’s gone. The back door shutting behind her shakes some of the tension from Zeedan and Yasmeen as they straighten and Zee blows out air from between his lips.

A small part of Rana feels jealous. That they can get a second to breathe. That they can pull out the knots weighing them down. That they can close their eyes and not feel sick. However small the rest bite is.

Her guilt is deserved though.

‘I’ll wash.’ She claims, already standing and piling the plates. Her smile feels plastic.

‘I’ll dry.’ Imran slaps his knees as he stands, not meeting Rana’s eyes when they shoot to him.

Yasmeen tries to argue but he has none of it and next thing she knows she feels like she’s a kid again, stood next to her brother while she washes and he drys.

‘Throwback.’ Imran says as much as he whips her lightly with the tea towel. ‘I feel old now though.’

‘That’s because you are.’ Her laugh is brittle.

He grins, shaking his head but making no comeback. When he turns back from putting a plate on the side he rests his hand in her shoulder, squeezing. The weight feels both comforting and suffocating and she tries to both lean away and into him.

‘Everything okay?’ His voice is soft and quiet and Zeedan and Yasmeen don’t look over.

Tears prick at her eyes painfully and she pulls away from his grasp on the pretence of grabbing another plate to wash. ‘Course.’ She looks away so he can’t see her eyes swimming.

‘Really?’ He pushes, throwing the towel over his shoulder and folding his arms over his chest, so he can turn his full attention to her. ‘Because I wouldn’t be. And you’re allowed to grieve too. You were friends too, right?’

Rana looks towards the greying light coming through the window. _I don’t like cheats._

‘Yeah.’ The word catches in her throat.

Imran’s arm wraps around her shoulders comfortingly and she leans into his warmth, shaking from the weight. He wraps her up tightly, then, and rests his cheek on top of her head and for right now she feels safe and protected in her big brothers arms.

‘Okay.’ He mutters softly into her hair.

—

He seems to be everywhere then.

He’s at home when she gets in after long shifts. He’s at the pub when she drops in before heading home some nights. He’s at the chippy when she goes for dinner one time, not knowing how to spend her lunch now that Kate’s gone.

She’s gone.

So maybe Rana should stop looking for her.

—

Two weeks since Luke’s death- his murder, and Alya still moves sluggishly and Zeedan and Yasmeen still hold her up and Rana still sits silently beside her, not knowing how to comfort her.

Except now Imran’s there most nights, taking up the chair next to Rana and laughing with Zeedan. She doesn’t begrudge her husband the levity even if every night she feels closer to the precipice and the hands around her throat tighten.

Two weeks since Kate left and Rana feels like time has frozen. The pain hasn’t lessened.

Neither has the guilt.

—

It’s Friday evening and she lingers behind Sean as he locks up the clinic. He chatters away about life living with Tyrone and the kids, dry as ever, but he has a smile on his face and Rana can tell he enjoys it. Almost without thought Sean leads her to the pub, except she hesitates by the door, eyes flashing across to the lights of her house.

‘Do you need to go home?’ Sean’s voice takes a higher note and his face twists into something like sympathy.

She thinks of Zeedan and Yasmeen still tiptoeing around Alya and of Imran sat in that chair with his knowing eyes looking at her, watching her.

‘No.’

She doesn’t look back as Sean grabs her hand and pulls her into the pub.

—

Drink number three is placed in front of her except it’s water and not wine and when she looks up the face sitting opposite her is her brother and not Sean.

‘Oh don’t look to happy to see me, sis.’

She scowls at him heavily. ‘Better?’

‘I think your bedside manner needs a little work, to be honest.’ She rolls her eyes and pushes the water away, back towards him. ‘At least have a sip.’

The glass is pushed back in front her but she ignores him, searching around the bar for blonde hair and a flowery shirt. She finds him stood by the corner, trying to glance surreptitiously over to her and Imran. Sophie’s stood next to him, rolling her eyes.

Rana’s stomach lurches and she takes the water to sip.

‘Rana.’

‘I’m fine.’ She snaps, putting the glass back down too heavily on the table. Water splashes onto the wood but she ignores it to glare at her brother. ‘And I’m not drunk either.’

‘Sis.’ He leans forward, elbows resting on the table and voice low in an effort to keep the conversation private. ‘You don’t seem fine.’

Her back hits the booth as she tries to push away from him, away from his worry and his care and his need to protect her. It sparks sharply behind her eyes and she blinks rapidly to stop it.

‘Well I am.’ Her voice doesn’t break and irrationally it makes her feel proud.

‘Okay.’ He nods.

‘I’m fine.’

‘Okay.’

She finds her hand in his and he squeezes.

—

The cold air hits her as soon as she steps out of the doors. Her brother doesn’t leave her long enough to feel it, tucking her under his arm and steering her towards the bench outside Audrey’s.

‘Right.’ He says, gripping her shoulders and rounding on her. ‘Breathe.’ Gently, he wipes at her cheeks with his thumb where tears fall.

Rana does as he says, eyes caught in his caring gaze. She breathes in, deep enough that she has to pull up and he begins to smile in relief. It touches his eyes and he rubs soothingly at her shoulders just as the hand around her throat loosens and a sob makes its way out.

‘Oh, Rana.’ He sighs, pulling her into his chest.

Her tears wet his shirt once again and she grips it tightly between her fists, knuckles whitening with pain, with grief. With guilt. Because he wouldn’t be holding her so tightly, so securely, like he’d fight tooth and nail to make her pain stop, if he knew how.

If only he knew.

If he knew - _when he knows,_ because she knows now that he must know because it’s eating away at her and she wants to be free of this... this.

When he knows he won’t be able to meet her eyes, just like Rana can’t in the mirror. Because he expects more of her. Even if she’s never been the golden child, he expects more of her. Her parents expect more of her. Her husband.

‘You have to allow yourself to grieve.’ He says softly, stroking her hair down as he speaks into it. ‘I know you busy yourself with everyone else but you need to feel too.’

She hides further in his chest, eyes squeezing tighter until she sees stars. She hides from the opportunity to correct him, heart thudding in her chest. She hides from hurting Zeedan, hides from the truth, hides from her brother.

She tries to hide from how, even as she tries to be the glue holding Zeedan together, holding Alya upright, she can’t stop thinking about Kate. How she misses her, how she needs her, craves her support, her love.

She can’t hide from how much she loves Kate. She feels it in every nerve ending of her body, every time she breathes, it’s written right through her middle like a stick of rock.

But Kate’s gone.

‘Hey.’ Imran says as the thought shakes her bones. ‘You’re no good if you’re breaking at the seams.’

‘I know.’ Everything just feels so much.

‘You don’t have to do the heavy lifting.’ He pulls back, leaning down to meet her eyes. ‘Sometimes all you can do is be there and hope that’s enough.’

Rana knows he’s taking about more than her grief for Luke, that he can see deeper.

—

Nearly three weeks later and they get a date for Luke’s funeral. The first thought Rana has is whether Kate will be back for that. The guilt chokes her and she bites her cheek to keep it down.

Nearly three weeks later and Imran still lingers around. Rana ignores him just like she ignores how he can see something deeper going on with her. Nearly three weeks later and Rana still feels like her heart is torn down the middle.

It’s been threatening rain for as long as Kate’s been gone and when Rana steps out of the clinic that evening the fragile sky looms above her like a mirror. Part of her wills the clouds to snap and break and drop and another part of her wants to hold on tight. Her eyes lose focus and so she closes them and waits for the break.

—

‘Hi.’ Zeedan steps out of the front door just as she gets to it.

‘Where you going?’ She asks, eyeing him as he zips up his coat.

‘Bistro. Robert called, he wants me to nip in.’ He drops his hands into his pockets and opens his arm for her to link. ‘Fancy coming with?’

She looks as his waiting face, and she thinks of how he’s so kind and how she doesn’t deserve his love and how he’s working himself to the bone for their future together. A future she doesn’t want.

‘What does Robert want?’

A part of her feels cold at the thought. Already broken and apart at the thought of Zeedan’s hurt. At the realisation that she’s got to break his heart the way hers is now.

‘That’s what I’m going to find out.’ He shrugs. ‘You coming or not?’

She looks up at the sky still waiting for the break.

‘Yeah.’

She takes his arm and they walk together across the cobbles.

He holds the door open for her and she hesitates. The last time she was here she was trying to hold Kate together in secret.

_I need you. Too much._

Her nerve endings are still burned from the shake in Kate’s body. From the guilt and the grief and the regret that crashed down on the woman she loves. She can still feel herself pulling forward, needing to shelter her.

‘Sorry.’ She says finding Zeedan still waiting for her. She means it for so much more than he thinks.

—

Robert pulls Zeedan away as soon as they’re inside and Rana is left feeling exposed and open. She looks towards the office where her and Kate were, where Zeedan now is. But she can’t look now because there was the last time she held Kate how she wants to hold her, touched her without second guessing herself. And she can’t look because Robert could be breaking his heart behind the door Rana was hiding behind three weeks ago.

So she looks away. Finds the booth where she hid from would-be-danger, where Kate pushed her in first, hand securely on her back, protective.

Carla and Michelle stare back at her.

Unamused, she feels a laugh bubble up anyway. She turns away, looking down at her knees and tugging at her tights there; deftly ignores the stab in her chest that makes her short for breath.

‘You’ll ladder them.’ A shadow passes over her and Carla takes the seat next to her.

Rana nods, smiling awkwardly, trying to sit straighter. But then Michelle rounds the bar and before the. She feels itchy and uncomfortable, knowing they know and knowing they hold the fragile structure she’s built to keep herself together in their palms.

She’s surrounded by people who know and people who don’t even suspect. She doesn’t know which is worse.

‘How’s Alya?’ Carla’s voice, never quiet, feels pointed and she looks down at Rana’s red wine.

‘Fine.’ She brushes off the raised eyebrow. ‘She’s grieving but she’ll be okay.’

‘And you?’

‘I’m fine.’ She feels anything but, but she shrugs all the same, and looks away from penetrating eyes.

‘Yeah?’ Carla’s entire demeanour is disbelieving as she leans into the bar with her elbow and rests her head in her hand, shielding to make them more private.

‘Yeah.’ Rana smiles, plastic, as she nods. She can’t convince herself but then it’s not her she needs to.

‘Okay.’

Michelle’s saunters over then and Rana finds herself boxed by the two most important women in Kate’s life. But there’s no Kate and for that she feels cut open and bleeding.

‘Kate text earlier.’ Michelle says kindly.

‘Yeah? She enjoying herself?’ Rana’s cheer is entirely false and she knows they’re not buying it but still she smiles, too wide.

‘She’s okay.’ Carla offers.

Rana nods, the hand on her throat tightening so she can’t speak. She feels her hands begin to shake and so fiddles with a beer mar between her fingers, watching intently.

A part of her is glad to know Kate is okay, to know she’s still going, still somewhere out there. To know she’s okay.

Another part of her feels her mention like salt in the wound, she feels it prick behind her eyes and her heart races with pain and adrenaline and it breaks a little more.

Carla’s hand comes down on hers gently. ‘Don’t think ‘Chelle’ll be happy if you rip them mats.’ She smiles, squeezing ever so slightly when Rana’s watery eyes meet hers.

‘You wouldn’t be the first.’

‘I’m glad she’s okay.’ Rana finds her voice, shaky as it is. And she is happy to hear about Kate, even if it stings.

‘You haven’t text her?’ Michelle questions incredulously.

‘No.’ Rana answers quickly, too quickly, pulling backwards. ‘She wants-‘ Rana falters, shrugging. ‘Not me. Right now.’

There’s silence then as Carla and Michelle appraise her and Rana deftly avoids their eyes. She’s sure they’re taking between themselves but she doesn’t want to know, can’t concentrate on anything other than the thump of her heart against her ribs.

The door to the office opens and Carla leans in, a certain warmth to her eyes as she says. ‘She’s back for the funeral.’ 

Rana barely has time to react then before Zeedan is by her side, waiting to leave. ‘What’s all this?’ He asks, watching as Carla pulls back and smiles at him.

Before, where Rana had felt closed in by the Connor women, felt hot and embarrassed by their knowledge, Zeedan comes in to stand beside her and she feels cold.

‘I was just telling Rana, Kate’ll be back for the funeral.’ Carla supplies, turning to face him.

‘Oh she is coming then?’ He questions, unamused as he purses his lips in displeasure. His arms comes around Rana’s shoulder and rests like a weight that threatens to break her back.

‘Yes.’ Carla nods, sharp and protective.

‘Are you coming?’ He turns to his wife expectantly.

Rana nods, shaking his arm and standing from the stool.

‘Bye.’ She says, looking between Carla and Michelle and hoping they see her gratitude and her apology.

—

The night before Luke’s funeral finds Rana lingering behind at work. She spends too long tidying her room and so when she comes out Sean is waiting for her, spinning on his chair by the reception.

‘Ah, finally!’ He throws his hands up and then stands. ‘I was starting to think you’d vanished into thin air.’

‘Sorry.’ She says, sheepish.

‘Oh, doesn’t matter.’ He waves her off, already forgotten. ‘I had her for company.’ And he nods his head over Rana’s shoulder.

She turns, spotting Sophie coming out of the bathroom, and feels her face drop.

‘Oh don’t look too happy.’ Sophie says, making her way over. ‘And, who’s “her”? The cats mother?’

‘Well you do prefer the fairer sex, Soph.’ He dodges her arm and leads them out of the clinic, cackling to himself as Sophie shakes her head. Rana follows behind, feet dragging.

‘I actually wanted to have a word with you, Rana.’ Sophie mentions, rounding to a stop and facing Rana. Sean has his back to them, locking the doors but they both know he’s listening. ‘Can I walk you home?’

Sophie eyes Sean pointedly, and Rana, looking up at her, feels a certain amount of anxiety drop down her spine. The sky is still threatening rain.

‘Yeah sure.’ Rana shrugs.

They turn away, and Sophie goes to link with Rana’s arm, but then second guesses herself.

‘Oh don’t mind me.’ Sean shouts after them.

‘Later, Sean.’ Sophie shouts back, ignores whatever he mutters in favour of glancing at Rana. ‘I won’t bite.’

‘What?’ Rana asks, rearing her head back to look up at Sophie.

‘Are you okay?’ Sophie rounds to a stop, scrutinising Rana with squinted eyes.

‘Me?’ Rana hates how high her voice reaches. ‘Yeah. I’m fine.’ She looks away, towards the lights of the pub. ‘What was it you wanted?’

‘Right.’ Sophie nods, now the one looking awkward. She puts her hands in her pockets and kicks her leg, toe playing with the paving stone slightly higher than its neighbour. ‘I just wanted to know if you’ve heard anything from Kate?’

‘Kate?’ Rana’s heart thuds the syllables to her name, over and over against her ribs.

‘Yeah, just you know.’ Sophie shrugs. ‘It being nearly three weeks and all. And the funeral tomorrow. I just wondered whether she’d. Come back.’

Rana bites her tongue, _I don’t think a funeral is the right place_ sitting in her mouth. She looks at Sophie, nervous and awkward at having to ask Rana this question. She’s so tall and beautiful and her and Kate would make a beautiful couple. It twists like a knife between the half’s of her heart.

‘Can I-‘ Rana falters, eyes flittering about the street but there’s no one around, it’s just her and Sophie in the middle of the dark street, stood on the edge of the orange light and thinking about the same woman. She almost laughs, except her throat feels thick and watery. ‘Can I ask you a question?’ 

‘Me?’ All of Sophie’s awkwardness evaporates with her shock, and her concern. ‘Yeah?’

Rana’s mouth opens but no sound leaves. She snaps her jaw shut, scowling down at herself and closing her eyes, willing her hands to stop shaking.

‘Rana?’ Sophie’s voice is careful and apprehensive, almost like she reaches out to comfort Rana except there’s still a chasm of space between them where the night tries to break in.

‘When you came out-‘ Rana starts, throat dry and voice quiet. ‘What-‘

‘- was it like?’ Sophie finishes for her and she looks at Rana like she understands. Like finally, she’s seen between the lines. Her shoulders drop and her fingers run once, quickly but comfortingly over Rana’s arms where they’ve folded across her chest.

Rana nods, not meeting the warm eyes watching her.

‘Honestly? Horrible.’ Even though she expected it, heard the story second hand throughout the street, Rana’s breath catches in her throat. It sparks a sting behind her eyes which she tries to blink away rapidly, looking down to hide it. ‘We ran away.’ A small, reminiscent smile crosses Sophie’s face then. ‘And we got jobs and then we came back.’

‘Why?’ Rana asks, unable to stop herself. She thinks about being away from here, away from the guilt and silence that’s become her life. Only with Kate and not trying to hide it. She thinks about greeting Kate when she gets in from her shift, thinks about holding her hand as they walk down the street, she thinks about looking at Kate in all her beauty without being paranoid that someone can tell by her expression. She thinks about going to sleep and waking up beside the woman she loves without caring about anyone else. She’d never want to leave that.

Sophie smiles, nods at her like she knows where Rana’s mind is at. It all makes her heart race.

‘Because even as we were at the opposite side of the country we didn’t really leave anything behind.’ Rana’s eyes flash to meet Sophie’s. ‘Because we were still living knowing we’d ran from the truth. Because the whole reason we ran was to be free and we weren’t really. We were just. Running.’ She stops but Rana doesn’t think she’s finished and she can’t find the will to pull away from Sophie’s gaze. She almost looks sad, but Rana doesn’t think that’s right. She looks solemn. ‘I think we were running from ourselves more than anyone else.’

‘But-‘ Rana gasps and she hates that her throat sounds like she’s fighting back tears. ‘Your family.’

‘Turned our fine. In the end.’ Sophie smiles, shrugging. ‘Besides. They were the ones in the wrong. Why should you be the one having to run from them. If this is who you are, why should you have to change yourself for them?’ 

Her hand runs briefly over Rana’s shoulder, rubbing as comfortingly as her eyes are soft. She doesn’t look like she expects Rana to say anything or offer any explanation and for the first time in three weeks Rana feels like she can breathe without obstruction. She nods at Sophie and Sophie pulls away.

‘Come on.’ She says, linking her arm with Rana. She pulls them along, down the street and towards the Nazir’s house. ‘It’s raining.’

Rana looks up as they walk and sure enough the clouds have broken. The first rain drop falls on her cheek. She smiles in relief.

When they get to the edge of the garden Sophie hugs her, squeezes her shoulders tightly and then pulls back. She nods down at Rana like she’s storing something into place.

‘Night.’ She says with a half smile.

‘Night.’ Rana returns, feeling lighter than she has in months. She gets all the way to the front door before she stops. ‘Sophie.’ Swallowing down the lump in her throat she turns to find Sophie watching her, waiting. ‘Kate’s back tomorrow.’

Sophie throws her head back in a laugh. She nods sadly, still laughing as she carries on her journey home.

—

The morning of the funeral Rana wakes up to an empty bed. Usually Zeedan is beside her, scrolling aimlessly through their phone, but this morning his side of the bed is cold. Lately she’s been waking up at the edge of the bed anyway, but this morning she’s glad he’s not here, so she doesn’t have to feel guilt settle immediately on her.

Because she wakes up with Kate’s name on her lips. Because she spent most of the night restless with Kate’s face behind her eyelids. Because Kate is back today and Rana feels relief mixed in with the guilt and the anxiety and the pain for the first time in weeks.

Because she gets to see Kate today, finally.

—

Rana feels it in every nerve ending of her body, this feeling of excitement and trepidation.

Kate’s back.

Rana feels it in the silence as they all get ready, deafening.

Kate’s back.

Rana feels it, thudding with each thump of her heart.

Kate’s back.

‘He’s here.’ Imran steps through the door, black shirt, black tie, black suit.

Alya takes a breath of preparation. Rana’s heart thuds.

—

_Look after Alya, yeah?_

It’s still raining. Alya grabs her hand. The hearse pulls up to the garden and the street stands along the pavement, a sea of black.

_Look after Alya, yeah?_

Alya squeezes her hand and Rana squeezes back.

‘He’s here.’ She says and lets go of Rana’s hand to stride forward and place her palm on the glass. There are tears streaming down her face.

There are flowers in the brightest colours, brother, friend, love surrounding him.

_Look after Alya, yeah?_

Look after Alya.

Rana doesn’t know she’s crying until Imran tugs her to his side. Her vision blurs before her eyes until she can only make out the oranges and reds and greens of the flowers before her. Her brother tugs her in like he has so many times before.

She sniffs and takes a breath. She closes her eyes. She pulls herself together.

Kate’s words echo in her head.

_Look after Alya, yeah?_

Imrans arm drops from around her and Rana straightens, breathing deep and opening her eyes.

She’s not sure what it is. Maybe it’s chemical, biological. Maybe it’s just natural. Her eyes find Kate, stood beside Steph.

She looks so beautiful and it takes Rana’s breath away.

Three weeks away haven’t changed her. She looks as she always has but Rana still finds herself drinking in the woman she loves from head to toe. From her hair, long and waved and Rana wants to run her fingers through it. To her arms, strong and warm and soft and Rana wants to fall into them and never leave. To her lips, pink and red and Rana wants to taste them, again and again and again.

Logically she knows people will notice her staring at Kate but she can’t stop. Three weeks have left her starving and a part of her doesn’t want to look away. If she looks away maybe Kate will go again. And she knows it’s selfish, feels it in the hand clamping around her throat dangerously, to hurt the people she loves most, to crave Kate so desperately, to want to pull Kate near when Kate needs to pull away.

She blinks again as Steph embraces Alya, both sobbing.

Nows not the time.

When she opens, brown eyes are staring back at her. It tremors down her spine, the look Kate gives her, broken and needing and guarded. She swallows tears back down, never blinking. She wants to tell her I’m sorry, she wants to tell her I love you, she wants to tell her I need you.

Everything inside her body pulls towards Kate, her palms itch with the need to hold and her legs tingle, ready to run and never stop, she feels her heart race and race and race, her breathing quickens, staccato.

She can’t.

Kate takes a breath. She looks away.

—

Zeedan stands and gives a speech. Alya smiles, she talks quietly with Steph and they share tears. Kate doesn’t meet her eyes again. 

Imran doesn’t leave her side.

He sits beside her like they’re kids again. Like the time she climbed the tree in the back garden and snapped the branch. Like the time she smashed a plate in the kitchen. Like the time she spilled nail polish on the carpet. He sits beside her like they’re kids again, trying to protect her. But this time he doesn’t know what from.

She doesn’t want him to leave and she wants to push him away all at once. His presence soothes her in the way only her big brother can, strong and calming, but it also makes the guilt choke her all the harder.

An empty red wine glass sits in front of her and the rain pours harder from outside, barrelling in on the pub windows. She thinks for a moment maybe they’ll smash, a wreckage in her lap to match the one that will soon be her life.

Zeedan laughs at something Steph is saying, a hand laying on his stomach where he sits at the table over. Alya sits beside them, smiling ever so slightly. It makes Rana realise how sombre everything has been these past few weeks, everything with an added timber and she wonders whether her own torment has dragged them down too. Already treading water, maybe she’s been the anchor tied to their ankles.

She drifts away, feels that burn at her insides.

Kate sits beside Sophie. Swirling at her drink and eyes far away where they stare at the table top. Rosie sits with them, and the sisters bicker between themselves, none the wiser to Kate.

‘Drink?’ Her brother asks, voice so loud in her ear, she flinches away.

‘I need air.’ She shakes her head and jumps up before he can ask.

When she breaks into the yard of the pub the rain lashes at her. She lets it, breathing in the cold and the wet and letting it wash her. She wishes it could wash her away, wash away the guilt and the pain she’s tired of feeling. Exhaustion wraps around her and she slumps with it as her clothes slowly soak and her hair sticks to her head.

Her body shivers at the cold but she doesn’t feel it, only gasps breaths between the tears and rain running down her face. She doesn’t want this anymore.

She doesn’t want to feel any more.

There’s a rumble of thunder above her, ominous and grey. She waits for it to break but it doesn’t, it carries on rolling above her. She wants it to break. Instead it cackles in the air, in her fingertips where they grip into fists by her side like electricity.

‘Rana?’

It breaks just as she does. Violent and sudden and quick.

And then Kate’s hands are on her, pulling her in and wrapping her up. She holds on tightly, so tightly, she grips at Kate’s dress and Kate grips at hers. They shake together, from the cold and from the sobs ripping their way out of Rana’s throat.

Kate shushes her, rubbing her back and swaying in an attempt to comfort her and Rana just holds on. For the first time in months there’s not hand at her throat threatening to never let go, there’s no weight pulling her shoulders down. There’s just Kate.  
She sobs from the relief of it and she sobs from the selfishness of it.

—

_I need you. Too much._

I need you too, Rana had thought.

‘I need you too.’ Rana says into Kate’s chest.

She doesn’t get a response. Kate only pulls them both under the smoking shelter. She pulls back, holding Rana at arms length and checks her over.

‘What do you think you’re playing at?’ There’s thinly veiled anger in her voice, as she pushes wet hair back from Rana’s face, strokes her cheeks for a moment and avoids her eyes. ‘You’ll catch a death out here.’

Her hands skate over Rana where she stands, shivering against the cold and because of Kate’s presence, like she can fix the damage done. There’s mascara running down her face, leaving black trails and pale patches where her foundation has washed away. There’s wet hair clinging to her forehead and her neck and her black dress is sopping, clinging to her heaving chest.

Rana thinks she’s never looked so beautiful.

She smiles, tears still making their way down her cheeks.

‘Stop laughing.’ Kate snaps impatiently.

‘I’m not laughing.’ She denies, even as her voice shakes. 

Kate pushes hair away from Rana’s eyes again and holds her face again and Rana closes her eyes. She didn’t think Kate would do this again and so she sinks into it, hands clasping Kate’s wrists, willing her to stay, wishing for her to stay, wanting her to never leave this moment. She breathes easier, can smell the familiar warmth of Kate’s perfume and the alcohol in her breath as she breathes deeply, unsteadily.

‘We can’t.’ Kate whispers heavily.

Kate starts to pull away again and so Rana’s grip tightens for just a moment, unwilling and desperate, before she lets her go. Kate’s hands slide out of hers and Rana can’t bring herself to open her eyes, to watch Kate walk away again.

Three weeks Kate was gone.

She can’t watch Kate walk away again.

‘Kate.’ She bursts, desperate.

Three weeks and Kate is right here.

Rana’s eyes flash open and Kate has paused, back still turned to Rana, halfway back towards the pub.

‘I need you too.’ She whispers, but she knows Kate’s heard her by the way her shoulders sink and her head drops.

‘Rana.’ Kate’s voice breaks, sounds just like Rana’s heart feels.

‘I need you too.’ She repeats, louder. ‘I can’t-‘ her voice cuts itself out as Kate turns to her slowly, face crumpled.

Their eyes connect through the rain and she feels herself sober. Her breathing slows and steadies and her heart beats once, painfully, before it skips and catches and plods on. She takes one deep breath and nods to herself.

It feels slow, like forever before she’s rushing through the rain and crashing into Kate’s arms.

Kate catches her.

And then her lips are against Kate’s.

Desperate and messy and rushed she pushes into the kiss just as Kate pushes back. Her hands dig into Kate’s hair, tugs her close not ungently and pushes into her at the same time and Kate’s moan sets her nerves on fire. There’s not a gap between them as Kate’s hands grip at her hips trying to pull her closer, digging in so tight. She can’t get any closer though she tries and she groans in frustration, biting at Kate’s lip.

Delicate and needy Kate moans and Rana swallows it, echoing gently with a hum as she captures Kate’s bottom lip between hers.

‘Rana.’ Kate breathes as they pull back, warning. She rests their foreheads together and Rana doesn’t open her eyes.

‘Not again.’ Rana gasps, chest heaving. She twirls the baby hair at the back of Kate’s neck between her fingers and pushes herself up, into Kate’s arms further. She drops another kiss into her lips and pulls back, shaking her head. ‘Not again.’

She tastes salt when Kate leans back in.

—

A week passes and the rain stops. There’s no sun but it’s calm up there like it is for Rana.

For once she’s home alone. Yasmeen is out somewhere with Audrey. Alya has been spending more time at the flat now. Zeedan is out somewhere, trying to get premises for his business. He should be back at any moment.

 _I can’t just jump back in_ Kate had said. _I love you_ she’d whispered against Rana’s lips one last time. The rain poured all the heavier as Rana nodded and pulled away. _I know she’d promised Kate._

Now she sits, a week later on the sofa. There was no more contact with Kate since that night. But this time Rana knows it’s better; that Kate is here and she’s not going anywhere but she can’t come closer for now. It doesn’t mean never. It hurts and stings and she feels it keenly still, but now the wound feels like it’s healing, slowly.

Only she can finish the stitches.

She hears a key in the door, scraping. Zeedan steps through the door, squinting.

‘Why’re you sat in the dark?’

Standing, Rana takes one calming breath, her heart thundering nervously. She wipes her palms against her thighs.

‘We need to talk.’

—

The door slams behind her and she looks down at the suitcases. Tears drip down onto the pathway silently. Faintly, she can hear the sound of Zeedan’s sobs behind her and she longs to comfort him, almost chokes on the guilt that claws its way back to her.

She sniffs and tries to settle her heartbeat as it thumps selfish, selfish, selfish inside her chest.

‘Rana.’

She looks up and Imran is there, concern dripping from his entire frame. He rushes forward, grabbing her shoulders and checking her over with a desperate sort of fever. His hands feel too tight, bruising, but she allows it, shaking her head.

‘I’m fine.’ She promises, lies, hand against his chest. ‘I left him.’

—

Imran takes her to his tiny one-bed flat without question. He tucks her up under his arm and takes one of her bags and leads her away. She lets him fuss and order take-away though she doesn’t eat any of it, and she lets him put on some action movie he thinks will ease her mind even though she doesn’t watch any of it.

Part of her thought the guilt would evaporate once she’d told him, once he and she were no longer living a lie. Wishful thinking maybe. She knew different really.

The guilt goes nowhere, just manifests differently. Instead of lying she’s broken his heart. Instead of leaving him happy she’s torn down his world. Instead of supporting him she’s torn away.

 _I’m in love with someone else_ she’d said. He’d asked who and she’d told him it didn’t matter. After that there wasn’t really anymore conversation to have because as his heart broke it showed on his face and Rana couldn’t look him in the eye and she couldn’t watch him crumble.

But it’s her wreckage and her havoc that’s wreaked it.

She’d turned to him then and he’d smashed their wedding picture and told her to leave. 

‘I cheated on him.’ She says quietly.

Imran nods unfazed. He mutes the telly and turns to her fully. ‘Okay.’ He says. ‘Is that still a thing?’

‘With a woman.’ She turns as she says it, sees him blink and digest the information.

‘Okay.’ He says, slower this time. ‘Does Zeedan know that?’

‘He knows I love someone else.’ She shrugs. The smell of the food makes her sick and so she pushes it away, grimacing.

‘How long?’ He says gently, taking her hand between his.

‘It’s Kate.’ Her voice breaks over her name and she closes her eyes as the pain rips through her. ‘Months. I don’t know if it’s still a thing. I love her.’ He moves before her and she thinks he’s standing but she can’t open her eyes to see. Instead she pulls her knees up to her chest, tries to shrink.

‘You don’t have to justify yourself to me.’ He swears and pulls her in, arms wrapping all the way around her. ‘Never.’

‘I love her.’ She sobs from the relief.

—

He lets her hide away for the whole weekend and he doesn’t question her not getting dressed and not seeing an inch of daylight. He sits with her in his pyjamas and they eat takeaway for every meal and ice cream in between. He keeps a steady roll of action movies and meaningless chatter rolling. 

He doesn’t ask her any questions unless she offers information first and he doesn’t for a second judge her or recoil.

She loves her brother all the more.

When it gets to Monday morning she drags her feet in getting ready.

‘Rana.’ He warns as she shuffles to the bathroom with the excuse of needing the loo before they leave.

‘Just one minute.’ She begs and goes to the bathroom to psych herself up for going back to the street.

—

The day passes without much fanfare, she hides in her room and doesn’t leave for lunch, she only sees her patients all day.

When she waves her last patient out the door trepidation takes over and she spends the next ten minutes gearing herself up to leave. She steps out and finds Sean waiting, again.

He smiles at her and walks out beside her. She can almost feel the curiosity crackling of off his skin and he just gets the chance to say ‘So’ as they shut the door but he doesn’t continue, instead, ‘Hiya.’ He says, waving over her shoulder.

There’s no reply. And Rana steels herself, turning.

‘Alya.’ The words have barely left her lips before her head is snapping to the side, cheek stinging.

It feels like forever that Rana stands there, body tense and neck straining, tears dancing on the edges of her eyes. The street light blurs.

‘Hey!’ She closes her eyes at the voice as it makes the tears drop. ‘What are you doing!’ Steady hands grasp at her, running over her face softly and Rana flinches as her cheek burns. She tries not to lean into Kate’s arms too obviously.

‘She deserves it.’ Alya snaps, and when Rana looks back to her she sees Carla holding her back.

‘No she doesn’t.’ Carla says calmly. There’s Roy over Carla’s shoulder, dithering over whether to get involved and Leanne and Toyah stood rubber necking from the pub door.

‘Yeah I do.’ Rana nods, shying away from the way all eyes turn to hers. Sean stands off to the side, no doubt logging every bit of information. It’ll be all over the street tomorrow. ‘I’m sorry.’ She hates how weak her voice sounds. 

‘Save the pity brigade, Rana.’ Alya spits. There’s more fire in her eyes than ever before and her disgust and anger is the first real emotion Rana’s seen hit her eyes since Luke. ‘You cheated on my brother as his best friend was murdered!’

Rana doesn’t even fight it, even if it’s wrong. She’s at odds with her body, partly leaning into Kate and partly wanting to leave her out if it. Still she leans into her slightly, as Kate’s arms grasp at her protectively and her hands rub at her back softly.

‘It wasn’t as Luke was killed.’ Kate defends instantly, indignant and guilty.

‘You knew?’ Alya rounds on Kate, anger burning hotter at the double betrayal. She laughs sardonically throwing her hands up and pushing Carla away. 

‘Alya!’ Yasmeen’s voice echoes with authority as she makes her way over, hasty.

Rana shakes at the look Yasmeen throws at her, anger and disgust written in her scowl and sharp eyes. Kate holds her tighter, arm around Rana’s front and back to the family Rana’s left behind.

Yasmeen encloses Alya in a hug, arms reaching up around her granddaughters shoulders. ‘It’s not worth it.’ She says, not at all quiet. ‘Come on.’

Alya is tugged away, glaring directly at Rana the whole way. Once her angry eyes have gone Rana feels a shaky breath leave her mouth, and Kate holds her up as she feels all the energy in her sag.

‘Are you okay?’ Kate asks softly, pulling away only slightly so she can look at Rana’s face. Her eyes, soft and concerned, skate over her face, they linger on the burning of her cheek.

‘Alright folks.’ Carla shouts. ‘Shows over.’

Rana’s not sure if it works and if people disappear, Kate shields her from their gazes with her body, curving to try and meet her eyes.

‘I think you need some ice.’ Kate says softly, cold fingers against her cheek. Rana flinches.

There’s silence for a moment before Carla says suddenly, ‘Roy?’

‘Yes!’ Roy expels suddenly, almost shocked. He nods and points his finger and off he goes. Carla wraps her arm over Kate and Rana pulling them along behind him.

—

Kate sits her on Roy’s sofa with gentle hands and Roy hands her a tea towel with frozen peas wrapped inside. She takes the coffee table, perching on the edge and leaning forward, slightly higher than Rana.

‘It’ll be cold.’ She smiles, placing her hand on Rana’s knee and Rana grasps it tightly, still fighting tears.

Kate places the peas against her cheek and Rana flinches away. The shock of it causes her tears to fall with a noisy sob and so Kate takes their joined hands and cups the other side of her face, wiping her tears gently.

‘I’m sorry.’ Rana whispers.

‘Don’t be.’ Kate smiles sadly, shaking her head.

Rana sinks into Kate’s hand, slowly rubbing at her cheek in soothing circles. She breathes deep and long and wills herself to stop the tears. It doesn’t work. But Kate just sits there, dabbing the ice against her cheek with a sort of calm surety that holds Rana steady.

‘It’s okay.’ She promises Rana softly.

—

Roy starts to bustle about making them all tea when there’s a rapid knocking at the door. They eye each other apprehensively for a second, but the knocking doesn’t stop.

Carla’s the one to go and get it, she leaves with a wink that Rana, from the comfort of Kate’s arms, takes to mean that she’ll deal with it.

‘I-I’m very sorry.’ Roy says, awkwardly caring, as he places two teas in saucers before them. ‘I put four sugars in, for the shock.’ He explains, straightening only after he stops talking. He nods to himself and shuffles away, back to his dining table.

There’s a thundering up the stairs to Roy’s flat and Rana feels Kate tense beside her. The door bursts open and Roy prepares, already indignant to the noise.

‘Rana!’ Imran says, relief colouring his tone. He bursts through as Carla trails behind him, slightly breathless. Roy forgets his annoyance and rushes to her side, as though to catch her. ‘Are you okay?’ 

He strides to the couch, and then stalls, looking at the way Kate holds her securely with both arms. Rana eyes him wearily and Kate defensively. He slows, sitting gently on the end of the couch not taken up by his sister and her maybe girlfriend.

‘Let me see?’ He asks softly.

Rana sits up slowly, turning her face so he can see the fading red stain across her cheek.

‘Sis.’ He hisses, turning her face with his finger and thumb gripping her chin. ‘Why didn’t you phone me?’

‘I’m okay.’ She promises, watery.

‘Yeah I suppose you are.’ He smirks, eyes flickering to Kate.

Rana hides her smile, pulling away from his hands. She rubs her own hands together. ‘I suppose they’ve got some new gossip.’ Her voice doesn’t quiet hit the light note she’s intending.

‘It doesn’t matter.’ He waves away. ‘They don’t matter.’ 

‘Yeah they do.’ Rana nods sadly.

‘Sorry to interrupt.’ Roy injects suddenly, having shoved a glass of water into Carla’s hands. ‘I-I just feel that so long as you are happy and healthy,’ there his eyes flash pointedly to meet Carla’s, ‘then that is all that matters. Now I-I don’t approve of cheating-‘ He looks off, pointing upwards in the way he does as he thinks.

‘Roy.’ Carla almost chastises. 

‘What I mean is,’ he continues pointedly, ‘that one shouldn’t deny themselves happiness for the sake of others.’ He smiles sadly, shuffling on his feet. ‘If that were the case I would have missed the happiest years of my life.’

‘And besides,’ Carla smiles kindly, shrugging, ‘tomorrows chip paper.’ 

‘Yes.’ Roy agrees.

‘I concur.’ Imran smiles, winking at his sister. ‘They don’t matter.’ 

Kate’s hand finds hers and their fingers interlace.

—

Imran takes to walking her to work and picking her up straight after. She’s glad of his presence, even if she doesn’t see hide nor hair of the Nazir’s for the rest of the week. But it means she doesn’t see Kate outside of his flat either.

Kate, who’s taken to coming over on evenings and having dinner with them. Only on evenings she’s not working but she’s there when she can. She’ll sit on the couch, too close to Rana to be considered totally platonic, and more often than not her hand will find Rana’s.

They feel like friends again. But this time there’s more bubbling and they both know it. They don’t quite ignore it but they never make mention of it.

Maybe it’s because of Imran’s presence and maybe it’s because Rana’s actively avoiding it, but they don’t get chance to talk more than they have in the presence of others. And it leaves them in a kind of limbo.

She sends off morning texts to Kate, being the first to rise, and Kate sends her wishes of a good nights sleep in a conversation that never seems to end.

The limbo lasts until its Friday again and Rana’s looking forward to the weekend. More time to spend with Kate, maybe. But as she’s coming out of work for the final time this week she finds Kate there, leaning against the railing with a smile on her face.

‘Hi.’ She smiles, hoiking her bag further up her shoulder.

‘Hello.’ Kate smiles bright and Rana feels butterflies burst in her stomach. ‘How was work?’

‘Oh, you know.’ Rana waves her hand, blushing at Kate’s intent gaze.

‘Well,’ she draws out, pushing up from the railing and grabbing Rana’s hands in hers. She swings them side to side. ‘If you’re not too tired, what with being a busy professional woman,’ she winks cheekily and Rana feels her heart rate pick up, ‘I wanted to know if you’d like to take a walk.’

Rana pretends to think about it, twisting her chin up and humming like she’s deep in thought. ‘I suppose.’

‘Alright.’ Kate nods, she leans back and then she pulling in, dropping a kiss on her cheek.

—

She’d just begun thinking maybe it was too good to be true. There’s a certain amount of freedom they’ve been granted now and it makes her feel like a teenager again.

Shes giddy whenever Kate’s voice rings through the buzzer of Imran’s flat, butterflies erupt and they leave her skin tingling, electric whenever she’s close to Kate. She stays up too late texting her, even when they’ve just left each other’s side. She finds herself looking for Kate every time she’s on the street and when they catch eyes they share a secret smile.

So when she walks out of work one evening, dog tired and drained, she finds herself pulled up, frozen as she watches her parents walking out of the Nazir’s garden.

—

Not twenty-four hours ago she’d being laughing with Kate. Sat on this very sofa. Giggling like school girls over how they’re each reduced to moving in with their siblings.

Now she sits in the same spot and feels nothing other than tiny and reduced.

Her parents sit before her and they look so big, buoyed up with their disappointment and their anger. Her mums cheeks are flushed red, indignant. She’s silent. Her dad isn’t the same. He’s pale and grey and he speaks loudly, almost deserate.

He tells her it’s a phase. He tells her she’ll get over it. He tells her Zeedan is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. He tells her she’s to go and beg his forgiveness.

Rana tells him no. She tells him it isn’t a phase.

‘I love her.’ Her voice is weak but it doesn’t shake and she doesn’t break eye contact with them.

—

Kate texts her but she doesn’t answer. She can’t bring herself to. Instead she sits on the couch in the darkness, silent in her tears and her misery.

 _Don’t come to us until this ends_ was the only thing her mother had said to her.

 _I’m very disappointed in you. You’re better than this_ was the last thing her dad said to her.

—

She goes to bed before Imran gets back that night, when he walks through the door she pretends to be asleep on his couch. He sits beside her for a second, stokes her hair back gently, kisses her forehead. When he stands he sighs heavily and he stumbles over the boxes of their stuff and into his bedroom. 

She lies awake all night, wide eyed and all cried out.

There are two missed calls from Kate and three texts sitting unread.

 _Hey are you free tonight? X_ and _Are you okay? X_ and _Sleep tight text me if you need me X_ sit on her phone.

Rana reads them over and over. She types out a response but it stays unsent. 

_I need you._

—

‘Alright.’ Imran says, eyeing his packed car wearily. ‘I’ll take this and then come back for the rest.’

‘Yeah be careful.’ Rana laughs as he slides into his tiny two seater car, jam packed with boxes upon black bags upon boxes of their stuff.

‘And here I was, planning on doing donuts around the ring road.’ He rolls his eyes when her only response is to give him the vickers and he returns it just as he speeds off with a roar.

She shivers against the wind, wrapping her arms around her middle, and turns back to the flat. There are so many more boxes to take and the van to take the bigger furniture is due soon. And tonight, she finally gets to sleep in a bed rather than a couch; she’ll finally have the privacy of a locked door.

Where she can finally spend time with Kate without her brother playing second fiddle, even if he and Kate seem to get on like a house on fire. Where she can finally kiss Kate in more than just an innocent, brothers in the room appropriate, way. Maybe she could ask Kate to stay the night.

Her mouth stretches into a smile, toothy and goofy. Kate had text her good morning and when Rana replied, still awake, she’d phoned instead.

 _Are you okay?_ she’d demanded firstly. _You didn’t answer but Robert mentioned something about your parents so I didn’t want to push but then I had to know you were okay? Right?_ Rana’d smiled, breathed freely for the first time in hours and told Kate she was fine, that the only stress she was allowing herself was the fact that she was moving into a flat with her brother today.

 _Well,_ Kate had paused and Rana’s stomach hit low, a burst of sensitivity as Kate breathed and left her suspended for a moment, _at least you’ll have your own bed._

Rana had breathed deeply, _Oh? And what’s it to you?_

She heard Kate breathe deep and smiled, biting her lip and twisting her hair round her finger.

‘Morning sister!’ Imran had bellowed then, the equivalent of ice being shoved down her spine.

She’d hung up not long after that, just as he and Kate started shouting through the phone to each other, and he’d quizzed her about their parents, was about two seconds from storming round there himself before Rana pulled him to a stop. I’m fine she’d promised and he hadn’t bought it, not for a second, because her voice was shaken and her eyes were full. But he’d nodded and sat back down.

And then they’d started to moves boxes.

It’s on Imran’s second trip to their new flat, when Rana can’t do anything more than moves boxes around as she waits for him to get back that there’s a knock at the door. She expects it to be the van, here to get the couch and Imran’s bed and the washing machine, instead she finds-

‘Zeedan.’

‘We need to talk.’

—

Rana finds herself nervously pacing in the silence as the kettle boils. She stands in the corner of the space that’s the kitchen and Zeedan sits on the sofa, silent. He looks around taking it all in, eyeing the boxes and the folded quilt Rana’s been using.

When she goes to pour their drinks Zeedan interjects:

‘Two sugars.’

She puts three because he just says that to seem like he hasn’t got a sweet tooth.

He takes it in his hand but he doesn’t drink it. And she can’t bring herself to drink hers as the silence ramps up, her heart thudding along with the tension she feels knot her shoulders. He watches her from the corner of his eyes but she can’t bring herself to look at him, nor the bags under his eyes.

‘I need to know.’ He finally says. ‘Why?’

Rana laughs, looking down. ‘I didn’t plan it.’ She half looks back up, half shrugging. ‘I just - it happened.’

‘When?’ His voice is hard, demanding.

‘I first realised there were-’ Rana stalls, feeling stupid, ‘-feelings in October.’

‘Five months?’ His mouth twists angrily and he looks away.

‘We didn’t-‘ Rana tries but his glare shuts her up, and she swallows tears thickly.

‘Who?’ He stares at her, must see the apprehension on her face, and softens, shoulders falling. ‘Please, Rana, I have to know.’

‘Would it really help you?’ She asks desperately, standing and pacing away, she feels it shake in her bones as she turns her back to him and lets her tears fall.

‘Is he a Doctor from work? Is he someone you used to date?’ Zeedan pelts her with questions every time Rana shakes her head until, ‘Is he someone I know?’ Her stillness is telling and she hears the air rush from Zeedan’s lungs like he’s been punched in the gut. She turns to face him.

‘I’m sorry.’ She breathes, desperately trying to hold herself together in the wake of his heartbreak.

‘Don’t.’ He snaps, eyes flashing as they catch hers. ‘Luke?’ Rana shakes her head rapidly and there seems to be some relief that comes to him with that, at least it wasn’t his best mate, at least he hasn’t got to tell his sister. ‘Aidan?’

‘No.’ She speaks finally, head shaking. He looks at her desperately, pleading and troubled until she relents, nodding. She wraps her arms around her middle, holding herself together through the sobs that fight to break free. ‘She.’

It’s all she can manage but it seems to be enough as realisation dawns on his face. His other best mate. He stands, unsure what to do with himself as fat tears roll down his face. ‘Kate.’ It tears from his throat and Rana doesn’t bother nodding. He knows.

—

‘I brought fuel!’ Kate shouts happily as she pushes through the open door, carrying three take away cups and a carrier bag that smells like fish and chips. ‘And I figured you were in need of some muscle.’

‘Hey!’ Imran protests behind her as they shut the door. ‘I’ll have you know that I am a strong lad, every middle aged woman in my life has told me so.’

‘Oo.’ Kate taunts.

‘Oo.’ He mocks her as he goes to grab cutlery. ‘Do you want fish and chips or chips and fish, Rana?’

His voice booms as he bangs about in boxes, full of joy as he laughs at Kate’s attempt to push him over where he’s bent in half.

‘Zeedan knows.’ Rana says quietly. It drains the atmosphere out of the room and Kate turns to her, face slack. ‘I’m sorry.’ Kate’s face blurs before her as her eyes swim.

And then Kate is crashing into her, pulling her tightly with one arm around her middle and the other cupping her head gently. ‘Don’t apologise.’ She whispers, head shaking as she strokes gently, soothingly, down Rana’s hair.

—

The next time she’s on the street she doesn’t expect anything. It seems to go in lulls, just as she gets her hopes up something comes to sweep her legs from under her. So as she waits for Kate during her lunch break, having figured everybody knew now so what was the point in avoiding Kate in the light of day and avoiding curious gazes from the streets residents, she doesn’t expect anything.

Until Sophie is sitting opposite her in Roy’s, smiling delicately.

‘Hi.’ She says, chipper as always.

‘Hi?’ Rana returns, confused but glad there’s someone else there to distract her.

‘Everything okay?’ She asks and it’s not nosey, but caring and Rana nearly tears up again but she bites it back, nodding. ‘Good.’ Sophie says sincerely and she throws a glare off to the side. Rana doesn’t follow it, she doesn’t want to know. ‘Do you need to talk?’

Ever blunt it rises a laugh from Rana’s throat. She smiles, head already shaking. ‘I have Kate.’

‘Well,’ Sophie tilts her head to the side, ‘I meant a lesbian who’s not your girlfriend.’

Wide eyed, Rana watches Sophie, deadpan and serious, blink at her, waiting for a response.

‘I don’t-‘ Rana pauses looking around the cafe nervously, she leans in, whispering. ‘I don’t know if that’s what we are.’

‘Maybe you should start at whether that’s what you want.’ Sophie shrugs.

—

Rana already knows the answer but she still spends days in her new home pondering it. She doesn’t see Kate and she thinks maybe that’s by design, that Kate’s talked to Sophie and decided to give her space enough to work it out.

It makes her heart throb with the knowledge - she loves Kate, is in love with Kate, she wants to love Kate.

She wants to walk down the street holding her hand. She wants to kiss her whenever, wherever she feels like it without worrying. She wants to go to sleep cuddling the woman she loves and to wake up next to her. She wants Kate’s corny jokes and she wants her cute smile. She wants Kate’s perfume to be a permanent scent to her life. She wants Kate lips and her hands and her body. She wants Kate’s love and she wants her affection and she wants her happiness and she wants her anger and her annoyance and her anxieties. She wants Kate, all of her.

She wants to love Kate.

She wants to hold her and be held. She wants to love her and to -to make love, no matter how cringey it sounds. She wants to kiss until she’s bruised and breathless and touch until her fingers are numb and she can’t feel any more. She wants to rise and fall with Kate and then do it again and again.

She wants Kate.

—

So she spends the next few hours getting ready.

She pulls out all of the nice dresses she owns, tries them on and takes them off. Too fancy. She tries them all on again and is stuck between two. She ums and ahs about it before closing her eyes and ip-dip-doing it and then picks the opposite to what she landed on.

Her stomach rolls with nerves and she feels too hot, too anxious.

She wants Kate. She loves Kate. Her heart thumps it out like a song in her chest, free and rhythmic.

She loves Kate and Kate loves her.

Standing in front of the mirror, checking herself over, for the final time, she tells herself. Her legs jiggle nervously and she pulls her dress down again, flattens her already flat hair and picks non-existent fluff from her shoulder.

A whistle sounds behind her and she finds Imran stood in the door way, arms folded. ‘Big plans?’ He asks.

‘Yeah.’ Rana’s head bobs in a nod nervously.

He grins, wide and proud at her, and then straightens. ‘You have a visitor before you go.’

Rana’s brow furrows, wondering who it could me as she strides past her brother and finds Zeedan sat on the sofa.

She stalls mid stride and Imran squeezes her shoulder, but he’s not looking at her as he stares at Zeedan. ‘I’ll be in my bedroom.’ He promises with one last squeeze and then he’s gone.

The door clicks behind him with a ring in the silence as Zeedan stands.

‘Don’t worry I’m not staying long.’ He holds his hands up. ‘Imran’s already warned me not to upset you again.’

Rana tuts. She shakes her head. ‘He doesn’t have that right.’ She deserves every bit of Zeedan’s pain laid at her door and he has every right to be angry at her.

‘Yeah.’ Zeedan nods, half smiling. ‘He does.’ He rubs his hands together then, breathing deep before he meets her eyes with a watery smile. ‘I just -I just came to say. That I’m not going to stand in your way. That I want you to be happy and Kate makes you happy right?’ Rana nods sadly, she blinks her eyes to stop the tears that flood. ‘You know, thinking back I should’ve known. I should’ve seen it. You weren’t happy and I thought it was just stress about the business but it was me.’

‘No.’ Rana interjects, head shaking. ‘It wasn’t you, it-‘

‘It was me.’ Zeedan interrupts with a laugh, small and not really amused. ‘I couldn’t make you happy and I was too self involved to notice it.’

Rana doesn’t know what to say to that but Zeedan seems to be done. He zips up his coat and nods. He walks towards her and Rana gets the desire to hug him goodbye, because this all feels more final than a divorce. The tears spill over as he smiles sadly at her.

‘I want you to be happy, Rana.’ He reiterates sincerely. And she laughs but it comes out like more of a sob, nodding. He always was too good for her and it breaks her heart that she broke his, that she chased him and now she’s running away from him. He leans down and holds her, so tight. She squeezes her eyes into his shoulder and she hugs him back. ‘You look so beautiful.’ He whispers and then he’s pulling back and striding to the door without looking back.

‘Be happy Zeedan.’ She shouts after him. He nods sadly and then he’s gone.

—

Imran had blatantly being listening because he’s striding out of his bedroom before the door has even shut behind Zeedan. He gathers his sister and lets her cry into his shoulder for all of two minutes before he’s pulling back, grinning wildly. ‘No more tears. It’s time to get the girl.’

He’d wiped her face gently and then sat on her bed, watching her reapply makeup and chattering about nonsense to calm her nerves. She really loves her brother.

But now she finds herself alone, stood outside the Bistro shivering against the February wind. But the winter sun is low behind her, shining a path straight through the door and towards Kate. She follows it.

When she pushes inside there’s a bustle of noise and laughter, every table is packed and she recognises the faces of the streets residents. There’s Sally and Tim and Eileen and Phelan. There’s Carla sat by the bar with Aidan, Michelle and Johnny. And there’s Kate, walking away from serving Rita, Norris and Mary.

She watches her walk back to the bar to stand with her family. Kate hasn’t noticed Rana there yet and Rana breathes in the seconds, calming and soothing and watching Kate, so beautiful, smile at her family.

In front of her family then, Rana tells herself with a nod. She strides forward with purpose.

‘Kate.’ She watches her turn, watches her clock Rana with a smile and she watches as it drops when she notices Rana’s dress. 

‘Rana.’ Kate breathes once she’s near and Rana can feel the eyes of the Connor’s fall to her. ‘Hi.’ She smiles, eyes shining happily.

‘Hi.’ Rana smiles, hands folding and unfolding in front of her. She shuffles on her feet nervously.

‘Do you want a table?’ Kate teases, she bites her lip as her eyes fall down Rana’s dress again.

‘Not here.’ Rana says quickly, too quickly and too loudly. She tries to breathe, to settle her nerves.

‘Oh charming.’ She hears Michelle mutter and she can just see Carla slap her arm to quiet her. 

‘I mean.’ Rana closes her eyes, feels her cheeks burn hotter. ‘Do you want to go to dinner. With me.’

‘Your parents-‘ Kate begins but Rana shakes her head, Sophie’s words echoing.

‘They’re the ones in the wrong.’

When she opens her eyes all she sees is Kate. Her smile widening and adoring and her cheeks flushed happily pink. She’s nodding, mouth scrunching with the happiness.

‘Then, yeah.’ She gasps, striding forward. ‘I would.’

She kisses Rana so softly and Rana feels herself melt into it, breathing in relief. She laughs against Kate’s lips as she pulls back and all the tension leaks out, she breathes deeply and grins. Kate’s perfume.

‘You look stunning.’ Kate promises, wiping at Rana’s tears. ‘No more tears!’ She demands, even as her eyes swim from the relief of it all. 

‘No more tears.’ Rana nods, even as they both know she can’t promise that. ‘I love you.’

‘I know.’ Kate laughs, dropping another kiss to her lips. She tugs gently at Rana’s hair, down and curled and her fingers run through it freely. ‘I love you too.’

‘I know.’ Rana mocks and they laugh together, falling into each other.

She does know and she breathes all the easier for it as Kate drags her over to the Connors. They smile and welcome her and Carla winks, Aidan slaps her back jovially, Michelle clutches her hand. Johnny pretends to scrutinise her, he gives her a warning and then he’s pulling her into a hug.

And Rana is happy, stood between the Connor’s as they chatter happily about Kate, regaling Rana with stories of her childhood that make Kate flush and squeak protests. Kate’s arm is around her waist and she catches Rana’s eye every so often just to smile secretly.

Rana doesn't stop smiling the whole time.

**Author's Note:**

> I know recent spoilers are suggesting otherwise but corrie can rip my Zeedan is a beautiful person and he is not a comic villain feels from my cold dead hands.
> 
> find me @ rananzir on tumblr  
> Or @ karliinadean on twitter


End file.
